So, had an interesting conversation with the mother-in-law.
She was out in town earlier today, running errands, and got a flat tire. First, she called her oldest son (my Partner) but he didn't answer as he was working. So then called her second son, who again was working, so didn't answer the phone. Her financial advisor (who she was with at the time) said, "Hey, you have AMA. Why don't you call them to come and change your tire? don't bug your kids, they are working. " So she did, she called the AMA.
Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this in any way. She pays for the service and has done for many years. It's out of habit that she calls her sons. When my partner asked me to call her back, as he didn't have time to talk, I gladly did.
She told me the story of the flat, and I said to her "Hey, next time if AMA say it's going to be several hours, call me. I can come and help. I know how to change a tire." Her response confused me. "Well, we don't want any accidents or injuries" and she put down the phone. What did she mean? What was that? My partner called her when he got home to find out what was going on. He kept saying to her, call R. She's at home, she can help as we are all working. Use her, call her! She responded with "yeah, well she has a baby so that's not going to happen. You can't drop the baby to come and change a tire." No, but I could bring the baby so you can visit with her while I change your tire....... right? The accident comment was her way of saying no to me, as she couldn't think of another excuse not to have me come out.
It seems that once you have a baby; you are no longer a person. I have asked the mother-in-law several times to call me if she needs anything, anything at all! It gets me and the baby out of the house for a while, that's always a great thing, she gets to see her granddaughter, but apparently, I am never to be called for anything. She refuses my help and won't even call me.
So, I'm no longer a person? I exist solely for the baby and nothing else? I was talking to some of my "mom friends", and this is apparently a thing. They all get excluded from things now because you "can't drop the baby off to help someone out."
I thought isolation was an issue. People don't want to call you to hang out now because you have a baby, but it seems it's deeper than that. You no longer exist or are even recognized as a person. A living being who can do things, other than look after a baby, change a tire, pack boxes to help you move, pick you up from the airport. Go shopping or go out for lunch. Cook a large meal so that family can come for dinner. Sometimes, people make excuses on your behalf too, oh the laundry isn't done, well you have a baby, so it's ok. I have not swept the floor? The baby, it's ok. The dishwasher hasn't been emptied? well, you got it run so things are clean, good job!
it's humiliating and frustrating. Yes, things are harder, but you make it work. You eventually get into a rhythm with your baby, Mine knows that after breakfast, we do the housework and get dressed. Once everything is done, we have playtime, then bottle and nap time. While she naps, I get some more things done. It is possible to do. And if you need my help? Either she comes with me, or I get someone to watch her. It depends on the situation. I do have emergency babysitters I can call.
So please, check on your 'mom friends', we are not always ok. But we are still people.
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